I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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