Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
