i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have aggressive nipples.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
