found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
