You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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