Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
