if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
