Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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