hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
