Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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