haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we're making bets on your personal life
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
