stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
