wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
