The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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