I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
