Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
