I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
