does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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