Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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