god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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