Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
