Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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