I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
