i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
