Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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