Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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