So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
