jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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