You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
