she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
