Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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