my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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