My liver just broke up with me...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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