ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
