i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
