I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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