Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
