how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
