Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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