You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
