You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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