My hand turned me down
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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