Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
