do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
