Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
