I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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