This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
