New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize