I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
