How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
