Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
