i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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