they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
