He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
