dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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