I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
