Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
