I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
