no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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