M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Your dad touched me again.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
