i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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