I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
