No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
