New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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