Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
